One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer’s sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: “Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I’m a Conductor!”
Q: Why didn’t the little drummer boy get into heaven?
A: Because he woke the baby for Christ’s sake!
Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Q: Why to bands need Roadies?
A. To translate what the drummer says.
A new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering grey brain. The first one says “Astrophysicist”, and it costs $10. The second says “Avon Salesman” and costs $1000. The third says “Drummer” and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson.
“I don’t get it…why would I want a drummer’s brain for $10,000 when I can get an astrophysicists’ for $10?”.
The salesman replies, “Because it’s never been used.”
Q: What’s the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!
Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?
A: His personality!
Two girls are walking along when they hear…
“Psst! Down here!”
They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road.
The frog says to them, “Hey, if you kiss me I’ll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!”
The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.
The other girl said, “What did you do that for?”
The first replied, “I’m not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!”
Q: What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common?
A. They both suck without Cream.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A #1: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.
A #2: One, but only after asking “Why?”
A #3: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
A #4: None. They have a machine to do that now.
A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some “real” musical instruments.
He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says “I’ll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian.”
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies “OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator’s got to stay”.
Q: What’s the best way to confuse a drummer?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.
A guy walks into a shop.
“You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?”
“You’re a drummer, aren’t you?”
“Duh, yeah. How’d you know?”
“This is a travel agency.”
A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says “very bad when the drumming stops.”
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he’s just been reminded of something very unpleasant.
“Very bad when the drumming stops,” he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts “What happens when the drumming stops?!!” “Bass solo.”
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A. You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
A. You don’t have to plug ’em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.
If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
The drummer with bad time since the other three don’t exist.
A lady walks into a store and tell the man behind the counter she would like some musican brains. “Alright” he says, “What kind?”.
“How much do they cost?” she asks.
“Well, those there are trumpeters at $5 a pound, those are french horns at $7 a pound, and those are conductors’ at $10 a pound.” He replies.
“What are those way back there?” she asks.
“Those are drummers brains. They cost $100 a pound.” He replies.
“GOODNESS!!”, she exclaims, “Why are they so expensive?”
“Lady, do you realize how many drummers it takes to get a pound of brains?!?!”.
“Hey buddy, how late does the band play?”
“Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.”
Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won’t sleep with your girlfriend.
An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven.
St. Peter responds: “No, that’s G-d. He just thinks that he’s Buddy Rich.”
Q: How can you make a drummer slow down?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him
Q #2: How can you make that drummer stop?
A: Put notes on it!
Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.
A fellow walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant:”Excuse me, I’d like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings.”
The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer, and says “pardon?”
“I’d like a guitar pick please, and some strings.”
The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then turns to his customer and says “you’re a drummer aren’t you?”
“Yeah! How did you know man?”
“This is a fish and chip shop.”
Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up!
Mom: But Johnny, you can’t do both.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: How can you tell when a drummer’s at the door?
A #1: The knocking speeds up.
A #2: He doesn’t know when to come in.
Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car?
It took him two hours to get the drummer out….
One friend to another: “Why do you hang around with that drummer??”
Q: How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A: You can tell it’s coming, but you can’t do anything about it.
A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly WhichNavigator.com tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them. He opens the 170 door.
“Well,” comes the conversation inside, “I’ve always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally…”
SLAM. Too rich for him.
He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door.
“I just read ‘Generation X’,” comes a voice, “and though Coupland doesn’t do too badly in identifying his generation’s fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by…”
Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95.
“Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again…”
SLAM. How about 60?
“Huh. Thought ‘Married With Children’ last night was pretty funny. Didn’t get the bit about the hooters, though…”
It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling.
Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside.
“So,” one said to the other, “what size sticks do you use?”
Two salesmen are in a bar. One says to the other, “I bet you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I’m such a good salesman.” The other replies, “You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys.”
“Ok,” says the first, “you’re on.”
The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells the first salesman, “Here, this one.” This first subject is dressed in a three-piece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week.
The salesman asks him, “What’s your IQ?” “190.” So they chat for a while about the stock market, particle physics, and Non-Euclidean geometry.
“Ok,” says the other salesman, “That was pretty good, but you still have two to go.” He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a tee-shirt, and a baseball cap worn backwards.
The salesman asks him “What’s you’re IQ?” “About 100.” So THEY chat for a while about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar.
“Fine,” says the other salesman, “But there’s still one to go.” He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy looking guy in a muscle shirt and shorts. The salesman asks him “What’s your IQ?”
“What kind of sticks do you use?”
Q: What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
Q: How can you tell when the stage riser is level?
A: The drools comes out of both sides of the drummer’s mouth.
Q: What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Q: What’s the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: “Hey, guys – why don’t we try one of my songs? …”
Q: What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
A: “Would you like fries with that?”